This is so painful for me to have to come to terms with… I live with the guilt of giving the narcissist in my life the power of guilting me into caring about them. No matter how many times I read the empowering posts and articles from others who have rid themselves of the narcissist in their lives, I cannot seem to shake the never-ending guilt if I were to completely cut ties.
Don’t get me wrong, I have severed connections with them and given myself time and space to heal from the abuse when it becomes too much. But after the fighting with them is over and days, weeks, and sometimes months pass, I end up being sucked back into their influence. How? Well, if you know or have had a relationship with someone who fits the criteria of a narcissist, then it is very likely that you are already very much aware.
A narcissist is mentally powerful in ways that many people could not begin to understand. They gain pride and self-worth through the manipulation of others and have mastered the art of their abuse through a lifetime of experience. Rather than a majority of people who spend their lives trying to grasp real human emotions and ways of expressing themselves to others, narcissists do not. They do not know how to love like we do, because of their personality disorder, their minds are programmed to only care about self-importance – Meaning that they literally lack the ability to understand empathy. Their definition of love is more of a standard on how others benefit them by tending to their egos and making them look good to others – not how someone makes them feel, personally.
I am aware that this connection and subjecting myself to this abuse is my fault and I should not feel sorry for myself. But we cannot all be as tough as others who tend to have a large amount of support or self-worth, when some of us have been exploited to thinking we that we are frail and weak without them in our lives.
My reluctant but continual relationship with the narcissist in my life is not just about me being able to walk away for good. I have spent too many years caring for and tending to the needs of my narcissist, to be so easily torn from the relationship and left with nothing but a broken heart and endless guilt. The best way I can get this across to those who may not understand is a different example: when you have invested and worked your a** off for years to mend, tend, and care to the fullest for your career, a hobby, or even an education, you don’t just walk away and start over again to leave your limitless efforts to go to waste so easily.
I am aware that someone emotionally abusing you is NOT justified by the amount of time you have spent with them or effort you have put into trying to make things work. However, it does impact and put a damper on what some would call an “effortless” decision to walk away to do what is best. I hope that one day I can wake up and put a strict end to the constant unease, guilt, and torment inflicted by my abuser.
Just as I wish others the best of luck and the strength that I have yet to possess to do what is best for myself; I ask that those who have done it, feel free to share your stories for inspiration for not only me, but to others who may be struggling as well.
***May the force be with you***